Doses of Suicide

You bury your face into my neck like the groove of my clavicle was designed for your head. Your lips travel the distance to mine and you slip me your tongue like a venomous snake bite. My lips are paralyzed, stuck to yours for a split second. Hugging to the crackle of clove cigarettes, I keep you near, liquefy my words, and breastfeed your poison back to you.

For three years I’ve swallowed down desire: your words tainted with land mines. I only write because my tongue has been tucked away in a secret spot, because I’ve tucked away the hopes of finding someone else whose kisses can wash away yours.

Don’t tell me time will work things out because I’ve sacrificed enough already. See, this love has an expiration date, and honey, its gone sour. What’s in me will make you sick to know that I can play these games too.

If you l only knew, you’d quit me; take those lips and walk away. Your land mines are just nicks from a rough shave because my three solid years of dedication have taught me to split the atom with my pen…cultivate the biowarfare within; wrap my broken heart in a poem and mail it to you in a letter like a pretty packaged bomb.

My eyes are needles under your skin, in your veins, feeding you all the heroine you never wanted to look at…much less try. Yeah, that’s heroinE, with an ‘e.’ The heroin, the heroine, the opium, blended with the HERO, in mE. Baby, I’m a drug; suicide, in doses…a mere addiction if you’re strong.

So watch out with those kisses, ’cause I know what Janis was talkin’ about when she said, “take it.” But I’m only gonna warn you once: you make think you’re stealin’ my heart ’cause “it makes you feel good,” but if you take too much…this love can kill you.

Stackable Dreams

Like a contortionist, I have bent myself backwards, reshaped my frame, bowed and twisted the actions I wear and folded my words back into my mouth. 

Building this story like a house of cards, I move with the greatest caution; stacking each hope upon the last, my fairy tale mansion made out of dreams. One card for each time I fall in love with something new, each strength you possess, each transformative quality of how your character has manifested and grown from its seed; the man who figured out how to become what he’s never seen, the gentleness that cradles, even from a distance. 

There has been a wild and radical growth inside of me, stretching me so deep that it sometimes hurts. Often I find myself questioning my capacity- to hold myself together with the balances shifting so sudden and profound. I want to be what you desire. And although my capacity for shutting down can almost not be rivaled, please be gentle with pulling me back.

Don’t let me lose me, inside my head. Don’t let me break me, inside my frame. Help me to stand on your truths as they are. Help me to hold you, in all the ways that you need.